mercredi 16 mars 2011

"The bigger man in me", thanks Chris Cornell...

One day I literally woke up. Funny, but I stumbled on Chris Cornell’s songs at the time. This was by no means an accident.

I did have a wasted life, needed to get up, do something more to quote Chris... my house was one of cards, not really strong. Needed to do whatever was needed to get more out of my life. I wasn't a mole, was ready to roll with my new world.

My speakers were on. OMG, did I ever listen to Chris' songs, quite an inspiration. And then I found my road, the one which I was going to travel, never to look back.

My soul was saved. I met someone. Starting living, truly. Doing stuff I always wanted to, but never did.

That day, I "changed" forever, and I've never looked back since then.

Remember "Ally McBeal"... she often went to her psy and to her despair, the only counsel she often got was to listen to "her" song... to help her find her way, easier said than done.

Thanks Chris for being around at a time when your songs really meant something to me. They still do, and as I'm listening to them again and again, I just smile, yeah, I sit back and cherish the road ahead, one where "I'll be the bigger man in me".

lundi 14 mars 2011

Dad's bat-cave... regrouping before the circus hurrah starts once again...

Tonite's movie night however dad's batteries are completely shut down, it has been a long day, and I don't really feel like being a "super-heroe" this evening.

No need to feel guilty, much harder to say than to do sometimes.

I've given I'll my best to the kids since I've arrived, but after preparing super, playing jokes around the table and managing a few "headaches", I simply feel like retreating in my "cave".

Kids come see me, are asking if I'm ok, I am darlings and cowboys, your dad just needs a break.

Do we have any downtimes when we (as dads) don't feel that we need to perform? Our employers ask, our spouses ask, our kids, it's so easy to say "yes" all the time, but really, are we doing service to our own needs?

Frankly, I don't think it's a guy thing. It's a human-parent normal behaviour to say "wait a minute kids, just need my own bubble right now".

So I'm in the bat-cave so too speak, recharging my batteries, and appreciate the fact that my girlfriend and the kids are having fun.

Don't wait for me just yet, I'll come running before you know, all the circus in me to make you laugh.

But now, I'm just thinking in this zen moment I'm in, and I don't feel guilty, I always give my best to the people I love, all the time, there's nothing wrong with taking a break, a few minutes to regroup and give all the cuddles in the world when I'm done.

My version of the bat-cave is not so much a place where I hide all my toys and guy stuff, although there are some. It's really my own place, nothing fancy, just a place, a hideout, where I can regroup at my own speed.

Yeah, that's my bat-cave...

dimanche 13 mars 2011

An a-ha moment ! the joy of being a daddy and feeling so special...

Yep, I did just have one this morning when I stumbled onto a few new twitter feeds.

@goodmenproject, @thefatherlife, @danmulhern to name but these...

Have you ever felt true excitement as a dad? I do almost everyday, except when I'm doing discipline, who does?

However, there were times when I really felt all alone in the past two years with my kids. When I didn't feel I was capable of taking care of them, let alone taking care of me.

Then I decided to go the twitter and blog routes recently cause I had something to say. My own experience, I thought, I could share with others, to connect and exchange, to break a cycle of isolation which I've found myself in, where I felt alone, no one to talk to and share some of the pain or find some answers.

Then a-ha ! Stumbled onto really great twitter feeds talking about #dads and #fathers.

I'm so glad I decided to go social media crazy, I know now I will never be alone.

The beginning of an interesting journey, no doubt !

Friendships and great connections in the making !

That's just the way it is, when love isn't there anymore

Fact is: men are victims of psychological violence. This story is not about numbers, it's about my own experience.

How many men do speak out? I never did. I lived with my own pain. Suffering I knew nothing about. Perhaps I did what many men are very good at: focus on reasoning, hide my emotions. I strived and excelled at work, rising within the company, until one day where things blew up. My body basically shut down on me.

Devastating. I didn't knew then but know now how much change this resulted in. I did everything I could to gain back my "supernatural" powers, since men are supposed to be perfect, or at least I felt I had to excel at the job and at home. But I wasn't anymore, less and less at the job, and felt empty at home.

This became my new journey, one that I would never forget, never looking back.

I was living in a glass prison, with no support from my ex and feeling guilty of saying anything beyond my house to anybody. Only able to talk to my psy, where I found out things about myself and my life I wasn't totally prepared to receive.

Over the course of the next couple of years I proceeded to turn my life upside down, while keeping my essence intact: my value and belief system.

Isolation grew around me, and the hatred never stopped, and still isn't as of today.

There's one promise I made really early that I've always kept: never to speak against my ex, always protect the bond between her and my kids.

Kids and I love each other like crazy, we are close and do many things together. Most of all we appreciate being around each other and enjoy simple things. I cherish everything they do as precious life moments, engraved in our hearts.

Some day, they'll know what went on. I won't even have to say a thing, I never have, likely never will. That's just the way it is.