mardi 29 mars 2011

From being trapped inside to making peace within, slowly but surely

It's one thing to say it, yet another to live it. I'm no longer with her, however there are some days when my body and soul are simply not aligned.

Do I feel guilty? There's this pressure that sits on my head, my shoulders, my chest. I just feel I could have a heart-attack.

I've gone to see my acupuncturist, my doctor, my psy, and so on, I know now part of the problem is action is needed, but I feel somewhat trapped inside.

Week after week there's some form of harassment going on. I tell others it doesn't hurt me, maybe it does. I'm trying to protect myself, who wouldn't.

Some stuff are still left hanging, and I'm being judged and criticized for decisions I'm taking now as a dad for the well-being of my kids.

We don't have the same values, not sure we ever did since having kids, but now it's more obvious that ever.

I'm not living in the past, but perhaps the past, because of present day actions aimed at making me feel guilty, still has a hold on me.

My psy tells me to live these emotions to the fullest, to welcome them, and their impact, to do this in a 'safe place'.

I'm anxious you see, and doing this would help me confront my fears. I can make it, I'm not going to die.

I've been afraid of losing my kids, for all the junk that I've heard and received in the last bit. I know now my kids like their dad and I can focus on being there for them, and offering them discipline and encouragement when they need it.

Now, it's time for me to give myself the same gift, to be happy with myself, to allow myself to be afraid, live those emotions, and make peace within.

I don't control the shit that others put onto me. So I need to focus on my life, the things that matter to me, while not trying to pretend that shitty things don't have an impact on me, while still not giving any of my vital energy to these things.

I'll say this though. Guys around me haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. Perhaps men are not at their best with emotions, and they bond best through sports and stuff. I don't think so, but my then guy friends were married, and I no longer am.

And perhaps for them to stay close to me would not have been seen as a positive thing by their spouse, who were not close with my ex, but there's this women 'solidarity' thing I guess.

Are men weak when their friends departing from a 'bad' relationship, that they know is bad, need them but they don't make themselves available to not offend their spouse? I'm just asking.

I've since made new guy friends, men that went or are going through similar challenges.

Not easy, but without hope what do we have. I have hope, love, and friendship, I'm lucky. And I'm living for inner peace, day-in, day-out.

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