My son won't see me anymore, I'm still a good dad

It's a done deal, DONE, and scelled, SCELLED !

I am officially divorced.

Can't believe it. Why?

Well, it wasn't easy. More than 2 years, almost 3.

One thing's for sure, I don't need to look far to justify why I should get divorced. Did I do the right thing? No kidding I did, no kidding.

That relationship was driving me straight in the coffin.

Now it's time to enjoy, have fun, let it all out ! Not really. Why?

Gosh, what's going on dude that you can't let it go ?!?

My oldest son doesn't want to see me anymore. My daughter's openly lying to me, with the consent of her mother, and my current relationship, well, that's just it.

Good thing I can hide at work and in my home town to recharge the batteries.

My oldest son may be the collateral damage of too many transitions that I've gone through in the last little while. Do I regret something? Not really. However it's really not easy to not see him, while I recognize that the quality of our relationship sucks. He's 13 you'll say, he's going through his own changes. Yeah, there's probably a lot going through his mind right now, lots of things to handle, too many emotions, he may feel at lost at times.

I'm not trying to be sympathetic, just realistic. I'm not getting any help to connect with him, and his lawyer did not even recommend any therapy for us two together. So we're left with a 13-year old that takes decisions, not to see his father, to see him, maybe once a month, we'll see.

Yeah, I am the one that doesn't understand. What's up with me? Seriously, it is 'normal' for a child to decide what's best for him at 13, when the father's biggest mistake has been to divorce.

I have always taken care of this child, with care, with love.

He's been lying to me as well, been treating me like shit. Yeah, that's it, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one that decided to leave, to separate, and I met someone.

His number one job is to hate me and her, and whatever we do, don't do, think of doing, etc. We're from hell, bad to the bones. The rest of the people in his life are good, caring, loving, protective, like a nice cooked meal, home sweet home.

Yeah, not at my home ! It's really difficult to be treated like dirt by your own child. I'm a good dad, in fact, I'm ano excellent dad, offering love and discipline.

Now he's my equal, he's the main man in his mother's house, in charge. Why would he need me?

Well, my son, I guess I'm kind of writting to you right now. If you believe that not having me in your life is for the better, than so be it. I'm letting go, since the system supports your decision, your household protects you, and people around you believe what they want to believe about me.

It's a lot for you to handle. Imagine your dad now, what he's been going through, constant humiliation and isolation.

Where's the justice? What justice? When you can't prove anything. I'm left paying lawyer fees with a definite sour taste in my month. At least I'm divorced now !

Some kids have been abandoned. Some have been neglected. Some are lost, with no one to love them and care for them.

I have a son that I love, that I've cared for, that I've supported since birth. Gosh, a father pleading to see his son.

We live a a just society. When truck loads of money, and lying games are going on. But when emotions are mixed into this, kids are the real vicitims. What nice values were transmitting them.

I am a man of love and respect, I am a father, a dad who isn't a real dad, not really.

Even with the distance I know I carry a stong and valuable message: good dads are doing nothing wrong, and all they care for is to see their children become better than them, and transform our society to make it into one that more loving, more caring, and more open and not discriminating against anyone.

Good dads are just good dads. That's just it.

Thanks for listening.

I still love him, will always do

This morning it's rainy, and I've just dropped off the kids at school. My week with them is over, and my oldest son doesn't want to see his dad anymore, or just I said he doesn't want to come at my place anymore.

God help me.

I'm not the only one suffering I guess.

Other dads are being discriminated against from their kids. It feels so ackward, bizarre to say this, but it's something we rarely even hear anything about.

I have good psys helping me,.

I love my oldest son, but he's not owning up to his responsibilities. He is avoiding them. 13 years old. Right in the middle of morphing into many things.

I recognize that. But avoiding his dad and things he's frustrated about, wanting to do or just be at the receiving end, I don't see this as appropriate behaviour.

I'm trying to instill some sense of ethics and values into him. He's not responsive.

There's no point forcing things if he's not ready. I love him, but he needs to understand that there are certain rules to respect, that he's still just a kid, that he needs parents, and a strong dad.

He's a victim of some sort of collateral damage. My divorce has left scars, and he has been caught between mom and dad, our communication not being efficient at all times.

Like the U2 son 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for'. I feel he and myself are still looking for that balance between each other. That there would be nothing to set us apart, that we would be able to speak freely to each other without any interference.

Perhaps one day it will be possible.

In the meantime, I will take care of myself, cause it's not easy not being able to talk and see him.

I still love him, will always do.

My Promise

Life's twists and turns makes for excellent blog posts, right?

I don't really care about posting my thoughts per say, I just need to say things out loud to make myself feel better. It's self serving. If it helps you, than so be it.

Being able to express our basic emotions, like anger, fear, sadness, is so important.

When you're caught in a whirwind, it's often difficult to express yourself, others may not be receptive, you may still be able to find the strengths and courage do to the right thing.

As I'm sitting in the sun this morning, eradiating with the contact of its light, I find my inner peace and I push-back my fears.

I am facing many major transitions on many fronts in my life right now. And I vow to manager these with respect and love, for myself, for the ones that will be impacted by choices that will be made.

I have reached another set of cross-roads, ones where I need to take action so not to perpetuate bad life cycles, things that are not good for me and that could continue to hurt.

I'm now 41 and life goes by so quickly. I appreciate simple things. Like this other day when I met this person. A gift. Generous. Loving. Peaceful.

I realized how much I liked these values but how much my life was not managed along these.

Perhaps there are things I didn't do. Perhaps there are things that other people did/didn't do. And together, perhaps there is a way that was not the right one.

As the sun caresses my body and soul this morning, I take all the energy that he provides me. I transform the sun's energy, channeling my thoughts into a powerful force within to withstand my strongest fears.

My next task is one of having / seeing my life running like a river, smooth, caressing, within a state of permanent inner peace.

Water is life. I've always enjoyed the water. Now, the time has come to have a meditating life, one where I become one and in total sink with my values and beliefs. Where I behave along my values and principles.

I am here for a reason. And I wish to use my life experiences to mold how I see my future unfold. Starting today, starting just now.

It's my promise.

9-11

September 11, 2001.

To those who died at the WTC towers.

To the United 93 passengers.

To NYPD, NY Police Port Authorities, NY Fire-Fighters.

Their families.

With love and peace.

God bless.

On holidays

Yes. It is that time again.

Listening to rain drops, birds singing, the sounds of nature.

I am out of the office, out of town, out of the circulation.

No responsibilities, no meetings, no deadlines, no pressures.

Slowing down, realizing just how fast life is, how crazy it all is.

Running all the time isn't life, how can one truly cherish it?

Now, I'm just simply in my car, the kids are with me. We want to stop, we stop. We want to do something, we do.

I do not plan much ahead, we're on holidays.

No agendas, nothing. That's our menu.

We're all Leaders Without a Title

What if people actually read what I'm writing? What if it served a higher purpose?

If you're reading these lines, you may find some commonalities in our respective journeys to reach peace within.

I've been tormented many years, now I'm doing my best to live to the rythmn of the 'bigger man in me'.

A man who is free, liberated, enjoying life to the fullest, not living in fear, or from a fear perspective.

I've helped a colleague the other day. He was living in fear, a proud dad, a proud husband.

I told him 'it's ok not to be perfect, nobody is'. Live with passion, not in guilt, express your true self, be exuberant and have fun.

Begin all your days with your routine. Wake up at 5 a.m., meditate, smile. I guarantee your days will be filled with joy and happiness.

Just back from the gym, early in the morning, good sweat. Full of energy.

These days I'm reading Robin Sharma, the Leader Without a Title.

I once was an executive, now I'm much more. No one needs a 'title' to bring its best in every moment.

The ego may need a 'title', the passionate person in you needs no permission to shine.

Take care of yourself and others.

Be a true Leader Without a Title.

Thanks Robin.

Anything is possible

The skies are turning to true blue.

Almost 3 years in the making, and now time to embrace life fully is coming.

I've met great people, and they've been there for me when the though got going.

Most of all, I've discovered and unleashed my true self.

It's all about love., and believing that anything is possible.

Yes it is, more than ever.