Divorce on the Horizon...

Much reflection, time for action.

Almost 2 years in the making, but looks like I will finally be able to turn the page.

Life is such a long journey, I know I have been given a second chance, but most of all it's me making things happen.

I am a student of leadership, my leadership journey, the one of a hard-working professional, a dad, a lover, never stops. It's an enduring quest for excellence, of taking ownership, of not shying away from problems or things that I don't like.

Who isn't a procrastinator. I'm likely a 5-star NBA player on that front.

But there are times when we need to push the pedal to the metal, and other times when we need to slow down, be patient.

I am not patient. Now days, I recognize this, and see that I need to slow down or hop on another means of transportation. To listen, to reflect on what happens around me, and to take action in new ways.

My divorce, soon to be I hope, as taught me many things, but most importantly that I can't force something if someone doesn't want it.

Manage a change of this magnitude takes a lot of courage, and an ability to get help and advice when needed, to be open to what others have to say.

My horizon is filled with sun, I now look forward to collecting the fruits, and sharing them with the people that I love.

From your leadership student

Doesn't mean nothing is happening

I haven't written in a while, doesn't mean nothing is happening, quite the contrary.

Feel like a juggler these days, juggling many things, trying to sort things out on many fronts.

My psy tells me there's so much one can handle at the same time. So I've learned to let go or change speeds while riding, much like in a car.

Letting go feels go, liberating.

The sun is shining more often.

I've gone through 'Fast and Furious' episodes, to find out that I may have been my worst enemy all these years.

Hard for the ego? Not anymore. I take pride in being humble.

I feel engaged and committed. Life a such a long journey. I'm taking it day by day.

Just sitting back and enjoying the ride !

From being trapped inside to making peace within, slowly but surely

It's one thing to say it, yet another to live it. I'm no longer with her, however there are some days when my body and soul are simply not aligned.

Do I feel guilty? There's this pressure that sits on my head, my shoulders, my chest. I just feel I could have a heart-attack.

I've gone to see my acupuncturist, my doctor, my psy, and so on, I know now part of the problem is action is needed, but I feel somewhat trapped inside.

Week after week there's some form of harassment going on. I tell others it doesn't hurt me, maybe it does. I'm trying to protect myself, who wouldn't.

Some stuff are still left hanging, and I'm being judged and criticized for decisions I'm taking now as a dad for the well-being of my kids.

We don't have the same values, not sure we ever did since having kids, but now it's more obvious that ever.

I'm not living in the past, but perhaps the past, because of present day actions aimed at making me feel guilty, still has a hold on me.

My psy tells me to live these emotions to the fullest, to welcome them, and their impact, to do this in a 'safe place'.

I'm anxious you see, and doing this would help me confront my fears. I can make it, I'm not going to die.

I've been afraid of losing my kids, for all the junk that I've heard and received in the last bit. I know now my kids like their dad and I can focus on being there for them, and offering them discipline and encouragement when they need it.

Now, it's time for me to give myself the same gift, to be happy with myself, to allow myself to be afraid, live those emotions, and make peace within.

I don't control the shit that others put onto me. So I need to focus on my life, the things that matter to me, while not trying to pretend that shitty things don't have an impact on me, while still not giving any of my vital energy to these things.

I'll say this though. Guys around me haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. Perhaps men are not at their best with emotions, and they bond best through sports and stuff. I don't think so, but my then guy friends were married, and I no longer am.

And perhaps for them to stay close to me would not have been seen as a positive thing by their spouse, who were not close with my ex, but there's this women 'solidarity' thing I guess.

Are men weak when their friends departing from a 'bad' relationship, that they know is bad, need them but they don't make themselves available to not offend their spouse? I'm just asking.

I've since made new guy friends, men that went or are going through similar challenges.

Not easy, but without hope what do we have. I have hope, love, and friendship, I'm lucky. And I'm living for inner peace, day-in, day-out.

Men are good dads

Here's a special post, one that speaks about being a good man.

I've never felt so good as a man, as a dad. I know now I'm capable. Able to be not an image, what women want, the fairy tale prince. No, just a guy who knows what he wants out of life.

I've changed everything around me in the last 2 years. From my car, my house, my clothes, my job, even my underwear. I have changed the things outside to mirror my changes within. No longer feeling trapped, no longer feeling guilty for thinking. I wasn't happy, period. Life's so short. I had to do something. I did.

Some said I was self-centered. That my wantings dominated, that my children were left suffering.

What is more suffering I ask? To live in a glass prison? To be, day-in, day-out, not appreciated, criticized, and so on.

I never felt I did anything right, but I never fully asserted myself. I take my share of responsibility, I'm not playing the victim.

I chose a different path, one filled with love. Why should a guy stay married if he is suffering? If the household, the family, isn't what he thought it used to be. And that no matter what he does, it ain't never enough. I tried and I tried.

I believe, based on my life, that when a man throws the towel, he has tried everything humanly possible to save his marriage. I did, and I've never looked back.

I wear different clothes, but my kids know who their dad is, and what he stands for. I'm proud of that, in fact, very.

It's my legacy. Each word, each phrase, I write for them.

One day they'll know. And they will be able to trace back the path of love that their dad built for them.

Men are good dads. I'm one of them, not a rare bread, just humbled by the experience, and happy for what life has given me so far.

They're called Peace, Love and Harmony

She is peace and they're love and harmony.

My daugther's smile illuminates a room onto itself.

My oldest son is all about love, goes for his dad, plays with him, keeps him proud and happy.

My youngest is harmony, the 'artist'. A natural calm river, poised, breath-taking by its grandeur.

That's just the way it is. I've inherited rich pots of gold, pure gold, three kids that keep me going at the time, each so precious, so unique, so good in what they do.

They are my passion, my reason for being. I will always be there for them, no matter what.

With peace, love, and harmony.

Milk, Biscuit (and Coffee), seizing a precious moment with my son

He's shewing on his biscuit. Looking around, his big eyes embracing the world.

He's always been quite a kid, curious, patient, observing.

I just call him 'the artist'.

The other day we did go on a small shopping frenzy. The task: equip the artist's studio. We did just that. Bought a few things, nothing really fancy.

My son 'became' an artist. Not just by accident. That's just who he is. He likes to draw, with his tong sitting out. I just like looking at him, and encouraging him in his endeavours. He's special.

Him and I just hanging around. Two boys together, enjoying milk, biscuit, and me, just coffee. He's my biscuit. A precious gift that life has given me.

Smiling back at you my dear son, now, and forever.

With love,

Your dad.

19-2, réveillez-vous les boyz

J'aime bien 19-2. Comme plusieurs d'entre-nous.

Le sex j'en raffole, suis un vrai gars, pas besoin de me cacher pour l'avouer.

Bien de belles scènes du genre dans l'épisode de ce soir.

Croyez-vous que les policiers et cières vivent des vies équilibrées ? Je n'en sais rien, mais ça doit pas être facile, et "sauter" sa partenaire peut sembler très attrayant, pas tant que ça si on l'aime, tout le monde a droit d'être heureux.

Berroff et Chartier sont tourmentés. L'un cache à son ex (qui ne l'est pas encore on se demande) qu'il a une nouvelle blonde, parlant du chien dans son auto, avec la nouvelle blonde qui fait chier, l'ex qui n'en est pas une apparaît soudainement comme étant pas si pire que ça.

On devine que si Berroff n'avait pas eu d'enfant avec elle, et qu'elle ne travaillait pas avec lui, qu'il serait passé à autre chose. Ben oui, le pauvre est "pris". Il veut rester au poste 19 même si le boss pense le contraire et que les "russes" mafieux sont à ses trousses.

Il se cache face à lui-même, on ne s'est pas trop en définitive ce qu'il veut vraiment, ce que sont ses besoins, il fait des compromis pour tout le monde. Écoute-toi bon sang !

Chartier la charrue n'est pas mieux. Il vit dans un appartement sans vie, accueille et protège son collègue soul comme il faisait avec son père quand il était jeune. Ose se facher par principe (contre Michel Courtemanche la semaine dernière), pour ensuite ravaler ses paroles. Faible. Comme Berroff, il veut juste qu'on l'aime, et se rabat sur une fille qui avoue ouvertement aimer les unions libres. Dans la manipulation des gens, on repassera. Chartier est mort il y a longtemps. Berrof et Chartier vont-ils pouvoir un jour se réveiller ?

J'ose croire qu'ils oseront se libérer de leurs propres démons. On se reconnaît en eux j'imagine, personne n'est parfait.

Moi, je leur suggère simplement d'écouter la toune de Chris Cornell, "wake up", sur son dernier album "Scream".

Réveillez-vous les boyz...